You’re Doing it Wrong Award – Apple’s iPad

Apple's iPad is an iFail

Apple. Hey. What’s up. Uhhh… I don’t know if you know this or not, but uhhh… the “You’re Doing it Wrong Award” is NOT an award that you want hanging on your fridge at home. Just to be clear. Because… uhhh… you were the last to get it with your pointless next-generation iPod Shuffle and you seemed to have done it again with the… (this has to be a joke)… iPad.

Unfortunately the market has been hit with yet another pointless product. The iPad. Now, this failure is on a completely different level then that of the previous iPod Shuffle. The iPod Shuffle was a refresh to a product and market that already existed, and while the refresh didn’t make any sense, it still played within its own bounds in the already limited market it was in. However, Steve Jobs at his keynote yesterday stated that the iPad is a whole new category, a whole new market. A whole new market of fail.

However, that’s not the only thing. The iPad itself fails as a device, carrying over preexisting pitfalls from the iPhone and iPod Touch that are just increased in magnitude along with the increase of the screen as well as new pitfalls that are inherent to the device all together. In our exploration of the fail that is Apple’s new product, we will go through the failures of the iPad as well as the market Steve Jobs and the rest of Apple have tried to create. As a disclaimer, in general I don’t like Apple at all, but I will try to be as objective as possible. My claims will be warranted.

First, the iPad is only a bigger version of the iPod Touch. It has a 9.7” screen, some speakers, headphone input, dock connector, wireless 802.11n connectivity, and for some extra money and signing over your soul to AT&T you can get a theoretical 3G connection (Everyone knows that AT&T’s 3G doesn’t actually exist, no one is able to observe it due to its poor infrastructure). Now, being a bigger version of the iPod Touch also means problems with the iPod Touch are only bigger as well. The operating system is the same thing. There are minor tweaks, using the extra space in some Apple applications, allowing for a background picture in the home screen, but as stated these are all minor. When trying to “wake” the device, one can see how unimaginative the device is. The elements are the same size as they were on the iPod Touch… making the device look hauntingly and dissatisfying empty. So much empty space.

The bad taste that the lock screen leaves in my mouth is found all around the iPad. The search area uses the same size search box as it does on the iPod Touch. The keyboard isn’t any different; it’s just an uber-upscaled version of the keyboard on the iPod Touch that looks mighty awkward to type on. The feeling that is left by the iPad is a feeling of laziness. It is as if Apple needed to make a new device but couldn’t bring them selves to do any of the work. A giant iPod Touch is just going to try and ride the success of the iPhone and iPod Touch. It won’t have any thunder of its own. It has the potential to be… but it seems like Apple never got around to doing so.

The hardware under the hood is only slightly different. However, the difference is quite interesting. Apple has created an in-house chip that is supposed to be quite fast a low power. The only thing is, that the chip goes to waste. There is no multitasking since it’s the same operating system. (If anyone even dares to talk about listening to music while in another application, I will punch you in the face and punch the face of your first born. Stop being dumb.) Sure, there is a minor boost when surfing the web, but… that’s all it does. Make web surfing a bit faster. I’m sure glitches involving the iPod Touch will reoccur on the iPad, including not being able to get the Quicktime overlay to either appear or go away when watching a video. For $500 I can get the same exact product that actually fits in my pocket and not miss a single thing. In fact, I can get a higher capacity. If I want the 3G connectivity, I could just got get an iPhone for less and pay for data that way. The iPad’s existence doesn’t make any sense.

However, the iPad doesn’t just leech off of the problems of the iPod and iPhone, it also brings its own problems to the table. The first being that it is angled as an ebook reader. Before you say anything, it’s not an e-ink display. It’s LCD. That would destroy my eyeballs. Absolutely destroy them. Not only that, Apple thinks it’s being revolutionary and helpful by adding small little graphical “enhancements” to the ebooks. I wouldn’t care so much if the enhancements were actually enhancements. Unfortunately, all it is is that it creates a graphical representation of turning a page, the side of the page following your finger if it presses the screen. That doesn’t improve my reading experience. That only annoys the crap out of me. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want the graphical representation; I don’t want an LCD ebook reader. That’s why I have a Kindle. Now, looking at the comment sections of different websites, many try to respond to the criticism of the iPad by saying that the reviewer is just not the intended market for the device. Bull Shit. Who is the market then? Magical elves of Middle Earth?

This leads us to the next level of fail that the iPad occupies. In the keynote, Jobs states that the iPad will be its own new category which will compete with netbooks. Separate from a smartphone, yet separate from a laptop computer. The iPad is a supplementary device. That’s ok, so is the iPod Touch, however that means it needs to have a new feature that isn’t available on the other platforms. That’s ok as well, even Jobs admitted to that. The problem is that Apple doesn’t deliver. It is a complete replica of the iPod without the portability. The only thing is has going for it is the web browsing. I’m not going to pay $500 for a web browser. Screw that. In fact, in some ways its web browsing experience isn’t as good as the iPod because of the portability. Apple is trying to create this new market that doesn’t actually exist and never will exist. There is no reason to get the device. At all.

The next problem stems from a problem tablets have in general. They can’t be supplement devices. They have to be replacements to conventional computers. If it becomes just a scaled up version of a smaller device, all the appeal goes away. The iPod Touch had once appealed to me because it was portable, I could have a browser in my pocket. With the iPad doing the same thing with less portability, it loses all appeal. I may as well and take out my laptop that can browse the web better than both of them. While Apple tried to remedy the problem of having conventional full blown OS’s on tablets which make an awkward experience by placing the iPhone OS on the device, it creates more problems than it solves. It’s an iPod without the appeal of the iPod, and without the power of a full blown computer. This is why tablets will always fail until these problems are fixed.

In conclusion, the iPad is a device that shouldn’t exist and tries to create a market that never will exist or expand. Not only that, but it shows the same laziness that was brought about by the newest iPod Shuffle. The device will never have a place. And that is why I must give Apple the “You’re Doing it Wrong Award.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t make me give you another one. I hate you enough as it is. But then again, Apple never listens to me.